Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
