my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I think weed is turning my hair brown
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
