evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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