I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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