Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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