If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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