You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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