I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
