She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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