So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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