I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
