Cold hands, warm shart.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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