In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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