Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
