So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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