Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
