The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
our cab driver is having phone sex.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
