ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
