nut hugger
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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