hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
