I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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