Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
