Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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