will power is for people who don't want to get laid
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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