You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
