Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
