A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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