I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
