Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
