yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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