Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
