My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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