She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
