mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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