Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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