P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
