FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
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Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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