so that wasnt chicken after all
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
