I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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