we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
