It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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