He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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