Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
