420 ftw
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
