I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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