Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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