Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
