2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
