Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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