Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
