Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
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ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
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Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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