it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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