pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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