My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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