I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
