i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
whose ass print is on the piano?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
