thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
