I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
