I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
