Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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