final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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