It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
