I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I faked an abortion last night.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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