yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
