this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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