god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
